Hello interwebosphere!
I have started this blog as I recently saw an article in the New York Times discussing the benefits of publishing personal musings online. Apparently, if you let other people see what you write, you tend to feel as though even more of an emotional burden has been lifted off your shoulders than if your scribblings were just for your eyes alone.
So now my writing is in the company of a couple more eyes than the two that belong in my skull. Maybe there are four eyes looking my writing right now- exciting slash horrifying thought! Possibly seven eyes- anyone with an eye patch out there?
Anywho, I've been thinking a lot about the issue of weight in the past couple of weeks. My doctor was alarmed that I had shred a lot of poundage in a couple of months, and deducted that I was on the border of having an eating disorder (or already had one.) She freaked me out so much that I literally started crying in the doctor's office. I was never trying to lose weight because I hated my body or because I wanted to be twig-thin. I just liked the feeling of empowerment that I had when I knew how much I was putting into my body, how it was affecting me, and how I got great results in way of my figure in turn.
I'm wary to throw my stats out there into the web universe, as I don't want to give anyone any ideas about what their ideal body weight should be or anything like that. Yet I'm also curious as to see how people will respond. So here we are: when I first went to my doctor's office, I was five foot ten and three quarters and weighed 135.6 pounds. I went to spinning classes four to five times a week and ate 1400 calories a day.
After my doctor promptly freaked out at me, I was sent to a dietician who would help me increase my calorie intake and get me on a healthier path. At this point, I was just tired of my doctor questioning me over and over again "Why do you hate your body?" I didn't hate my body! I honestly thought I was living a healthy lifestyle by eating and exercising in that way. Now I know that I was eating too few calories. However, now I often wish I never said anything at all. That's why I'm here, writing it out.
At first when I went to the dietician she immediately put me on a diet consisting of 2000 calories a day, no exercise. This went on for two weeks. And let me tell you, after not eating a whole lot and exercising a ton for a very long time, my stomach had shrunk to about the size of a prune. So these two weeks were literally painful. It was really hard for me to eat that much, and I felt fat. I could feel all of my muscle melting away. I was convinced my dietician's mission was to make me disgusting and unhealthy. (Logical, right?)
I almost had another doctor's office crying spell when I went back to the dietician after those two hellish weeks were over. She finally let me go back to spinning three times a week, as long as I ate 2500 calories on those days. I took what I could get, and agreed to her compromise. However, after two weeks of missing spinning I could feel how much more difficult it was for me to get through the class, and how much heavier I felt as a result of all that food sitting in my stomach.
Finally, I am now allowed to spin four times a week, provided I eat 2500 calories EVERY day PLUS a protein bar and an extra caloric beverage when I exercise. I have gained eight pounds since I went to my doctor, and I honestly feel like crap. (Even with the spinning.) I am always full and can just feel the extra fat hanging on my thighs, hips, and stomach. The worst feeling is knowing that I am supposed to keep eating like this until I gain even MORE weight.
The reason my doctor and dietician are really concerned with me gaining weight, to be candid, (sorry boys out there,) is that I haven't been getting my period for seven months. I had just attributed this to the fact that I was exercising a lot more, eating less, and my body hadn't gotten used to it yet. Plus, in my mind, not getting my period was kind of a personal bonus. You always hear of female track runners not getting their periods, right? I thought it was just because I was getting superbly awesome-ly athletic.
However, my sister warned me that when you don't get your period for a long time it could affect your ability to have children in the future. Not sure if or when I will do that, (waaaaay in the future,) but I do want to make sure that I have the option if I so choose to do so. So, it was ME who decided to go the doctor's office to see what was up with my period. In my mind, this is proof enough that I did not have an eating disorder despite what my doctor seemed to be hinting at. If I did, I would be desperate to not let anyone in on my eating habits, right? I told her about my exercise and how many calories I was consuming per day. I didn't hide any of it. Yet she still treated me in a shockingly harsh, borderline condescending manner. I was there to help myself, but she acted as though she had set up the appointment without my consent.
Sorry about that extra long rant. To bring everyone up to date, (all seven eyes out there, hey eyepatch man!) I am still eating 2500 calories a day and weigh around 143-145 currently. I still feel like a big pile of crap. Honestly, I really want to stop seeing a dietician and my doctor because I don't feel healthy. I feel like I'm binge eating, something that I used to have problems with. (Hence my starting to count calories to control myself.) Plus, very soon in February I will be going to Mexico with a friend. I used to be excited about wearing a swimsuit to show off all my hard work. Now I flinch even thinking about it.
Apparently, even once I get my period back I still have to wait three months until I am considered in "recovery." But what I really want to do is go back to spinning five times a week and eat around 1800-2000 calories a day. That way I can feel in control and healthy again. But right now I'm afraid to lose weight, because I don't want my dietician or doctor to freak out at me, insisting that I have an eating disorder.
I'm really interested to see what everyone has to say about my situation. Anyone been through anything similar before? Any hints or advice for how to get through this?
Sorry for the ridiculously long first post, for anyone who might have possibly stumbled upon this and decided to make the voyage through the entire thing. The plus side is, even if no one does read this, the New York Times was right. I do feel better after getting all of this out. Maybe I'll go on to some other topics now, too. Sunday afternoon venting session? Watch out, blog world!
Signing off for now,
Anonymous But Not Confidential
